Scan Magazine

By Mette Lisby

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Who has any respect for December weekends?

No, of course nobody does. Any sane person will shiver at the sheer thought of weekends in December.

They imply Christmas drinks. And of course the inevitable Christmas party at work. You know all too well what that means: At some point in December, you will wake up, dazed and confused, aware that yesterday involved bucket loads of alcohol (probably literally) at a party with your co-workers, but the details keep evading you. It’s all hazy… What you did… What you ate… When you came home… How you got home… and maybe even WHERE you work.

Fear kicks in. Fear of what you did exactly. Fear if you even HAVE a job anymore? You have reason to be afraid. You are dealing with your worst enemy- yourself! Countless Christmas party incidents have shown that you cannot be trusted.

And then the hammer of guilt hits you. You probably did something stupid! Maybe you blurted out a profane secret – possibly on the public speaker system at work.

Guilt gives way to a sudden bombardment of flashes. Painful images hit you: you on the dance floor. Your arms are raised unnaturally high above your head because the drunken version of you KNOWS that you’ve got rhythm! And it’s all in your arms. Shake them. You can’t entirely dismiss the possibility of your having begged the DJ to play Macarena and forced everybody to dance through it.

Thanks to technology a whole new level of embarrassment is possible: digital guilt. Who did you drunk-dial? Why are there 163 photos on your cell phone of a shawarma meal? Why is the last photo of Brian and Elsie from accounting eating the shawarma meal? Why are there scraps of sharwama on your chin?

And you hit rock bottom, when, in your pocket, you find a photo copy of a hairy bum. And it isn’t yours. Even if all of the above match exactly how you feel, don’t panic! Everyone was just as drunk. Everyone has the same photo copy. Maybe even yours.

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Mette Lisby is Denmark’s leading female comedian. She invites you to laugh along with her monthly humour columns. Since her stand-up debut in 1992, Mette has hosted the Danish versions of “Have I Got News For You” and “Room 101”.